(to be named)

This story begins with a shipwreck in the dead of a moonless night.  The waves of the deep, dark ocean were not merciful and no one survived - except one young woman.

This young woman was not asleep in her quarters as the rest of the ship was the night of the wreck.  She instead walked along the deck in her lace nightgown, barefoot, searching for some meaning in her life.  She was kept awake by the tick-tocking of the small clock on the wall of the guest quarters.  Each tick signified moments passing and each tock served to remind her she could not get them back.  This was what prompted her starlit walk along the deck of the rocking ship and she gazed out toward the nearly invisible horizon while leaning her crossed arms and chest onto the wooden railing.

The moonless night allowed her to see the stars more clearly and to see their reflections among the dark waves.  In front of her lied the abyss - an ocean and sky mixed together without a horizon: her uncertain future.  She saw clearly what her family always wanted of her: a sure future among the clear and crisp stars in the sky; but she also saw what she wanted of her own future, which was as unclear as the reflection of the trillions of stars among the waves.  Without a moon in the sky, she had no guide; she had no direction; she had no fate.

This was the first time she saw herself as her own guide.  The only thing standing between her and the future she chose for herself, the one illustrated among the unsure waves, was the railing of the ship.  But, just as she was starting to finally gain the courage to pursue the life she wanted, she fell over the railing and crashed into the unforgiving waves without a chance to look back.  The ship had struck something in the ocean and was pulled under the rough waves before anyone could even wake up.

This is the story of the young woman who survived.

Thoughts

All I want to do is kiss you.

I just want to hold his hand.

What does he see in her?

Why doesn't he notice me?

If he just gave me a chance...

He doesn't like me.

He'll never like me.

What do I have to prove?

I try so hard, but never get results.

Why should I try anymore?

He'll never notice me.

He looked at me!

I bet he likes me.

Why wouldn't he like me?

He's so handsome.

And so nice.

But I'm not good enough for him.

Maybe I'll never be good enough.

But I like him.

I can't move on.

I'll never get over him!

I never thought heartbreak would be so bad.

He'll never love me.

What do I have to offer?







Will I ever be good enough?

Once

My eyes have no time to adjust as the lights repeatedly flash
Hundreds of colorful shapes dance along the walls
A disco ball hangs from the ceiling a few feet above us
Deafening volumes of pop music blare from the speakers
The floor squeaks beneath our shoes
The wood covered in spilled liquor, beer and broken glass.

His body sways to the beat of the music
We dance only a couple of steps apart
I can't help but smile -
I think about our past and our present
It's been so long since I last saw him
I began to believe we would never meet again.

I flash a few winks his way, but he doesn't seem to notice
It doesn't feel right to try and seduce
So instead I bring up the corners of my lips
Part them and break into a smile again
This time he notices and it feels like old times
He looks at me, raises his brow and smiles back.

I take a swig from the drink I have in hand
A bit of the bubbly drink dribbles down my arm to my elbow
I try to shake it off and slip on the puddles below
Steadying myself, I let out a laugh
But not one loud enough for others to hear
I look up from the floor and he is still smiling in my direction.

My mind races from topic to topic, situation to situation
Past to present, present to future
All revolving around him, the music and the dance
My bottle cracks as I toast a fellow dancer
And he offers to buy me another drink
I try to refuse, but he leaves, money in hand, before the words come out.

The flashing lights just about dizzy me
As my mind continues to race
I cannot get a firm grasp on the present
And my heart starts beating faster
Thinking about what could happen
Now that we stand together again.

The cold beer is placed firmly in my hand
I look up into his eyes to thank him
But he's looking away laughing with a friend across the dance floor
I feel his kind heart through his laugh
Which does not help my confusion
But rather pushes me toward him.

Feedback from the speakers fill the room
As the end of the night is announced
With only a few more songs until the club closes
I quickly walk to the coat check, leaving him behind
Grab my coat
And stand along the side speaking with acquaintances.

I feel his presence again
I turn my head and look up
Only to see him looking down at me, smirking
Afraid of what I'll do, I quickly look away
But swiftly put my arm around his waist and surprisingly
He puts his arm around my shoulder and onto my arm.

We stand there as he rubs my arm
For the next few songs
I lean my head on his shoulder
He leans his on my head
And I swear the bass line from the speakers
Is actually my heart beating outside of my chest.

My mind wanders again
I wonder why I feel this way
I never felt this way before
All I wanted was to be near him
And for him to be near me
I feel a large, toothy smile growing on my face.

For once I felt genuinely happy
I felt safe and loved
I had no care in the world, but then
The lights stopped flashing
The blaring music abruptly stopped
And suddenly everything was back to normal.

My eyes finally adjusted
My ears quickly began ringing
My heartbeat slowed
My mind cleared except for one thing:
That for once I felt important to him
For once I felt truly at home.

Come Back

A broken string
Curled up
Away from the fission

Heart stops beating
Sitting motionless
Outside of the chest

The emptiness consumes
Eyes burning
Dry trails from tears

So far away
But feeling
Near to me now

He's gone; please
Come back
I'll be here waiting.